I Wasn’t Expecting That …

Looking back on April 25th, 2017

Having traveled 4,363 miles in about 10 hours, over 4 countries, and one giant ocean I find myself on the West coast of Iceland in a city named Keflavik. I am filled with uncertainty. We wander around in a clumsy attempt to understand signs in Icelandic and eventually find ourselves at the liquor store. Success. After about another 2 hours, a few mishaps, and a car ride we make it to our first destination. Reykjavik. The largest city in Iceland with a population of 123,246 people, it seems quite small in comparison to the SOCAL cities that we’re used to. We can already feel the intimacy of being in a city with far fewer people than we’ve grown accustomed to. We check into our hostel and our trip truly begins. Here we are, we made it. The girl that I’ve admired from afar is me now, but I don’t feel any different. I’m afraid, I’m worried, I’m unsure and filled with doubts. How will this journey change me?

Today. May 17th, 2017

Looking back now I am having a hard time determining how this journey didn’t change me. For I am new, and over the last couple of weeks I have been trying to put into words how this happened. Where did I start? What exactly caused this shift in my consciousness and most importantly, how can I ensure that I don’t forget it ever again?

Before I left for Iceland I made a pact with myself. The purpose of the trip was to find my way back to the universal presence I have always been so in tune with, back to my universal channel, back to God. You see, up until this point A LOT had happened in the life of Erin Walls. I quit my job to become a waitress full time in an attempt to find out what in the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. I moved to Los Angeles into a cozy one bedroom apartment with my wonderful boyfriend Brian. I made some pretty radical decisions in a short amount of time and because of this, I lost my connection with my deepest compass, my intuition. I couldn’t hear myself, my guiding light was dim and far in the distance and I was struggling to navigate through right and wrong. I was doubting every single decision and up until now, I was completely engulfed in self-doubt and fear. I knew that this was no way to live. So on the first full day of our trip, I made a few notes in my journal that were guiding points for self-reflection and meditation that would, hopefully, help bring me back to myself.

Written on Wednesday, April 26th, at 8:50 am Iceland time:

  1. Stay Present. Enjoy each moment as it comes without fear of the future or regret of the past. All that we have, is now.

  2. Let it go. Do what you can, and forget the rest. Worrying helps no one, it only ruins what you have right here and now.

  3. Trust. Trust that God and the Universe have you. If you do your best, the rest is up to the cosmos. Have faith that what you need will always come to you, when you need it. And trust in yourself. You are strong, you make good choices, you have all the power inside of you.

So this was my mission. I will say that it did challenge me consistently throughout the trip. There were times that caused me to worry, but in those times I remembered these 3 points and I found that everything was alright. In the end, everything that we needed came to us when exactly we needed it.

Written on Thursday, April 27th, at 11:37 pm Iceland time:

After getting lost with no GPS navigation in the south coast, we were running far behind schedule on our way to the hostel for the night. With it closing at 10pm we rushed across the country side, tense but praying and believing that we would make it in time. Stopping on the side of the road at a glacier lagoon, we chatted with some Canadians who let us use their GPS to find our final destination. Speeding passed a herd of reindeer we raced down highway 1 until finally arriving at the hostel. I jumped out of the moving car and ran to the front door, 20 minutes late, to find the hostess standing in the door way. Ingrid smiled at me and said we made it just in time, she was heading out but got held up. Today, we meditated next to the most glorious canyon, after we climbed out on the edge. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating. I felt so alive and so afraid and I realized in that moment that this is a perfect metaphor for my life. We will always be afraid in moments when we are exhilarated, but we should never shy away from them. Becoming so overwhelmed by fears that we cannot appreciate the experience itself is truly tragic. The wonder of the world is all around us, I live in abundance and constant gratitude. I will not let my inevitable fear take away from the amazing wonder of living at all. Today I climbed a waterfall and touched ancient rock walls, I walked on a black sand beach and ran through pouring rain to look out over the Atlantic ocean at giant arches made from lava, I saw landscapes that brought me to tears and drove through a herd of reindeer, I meditated on the side of a canyon and the moment was captured forever in a happenstance photograph.  Though I may wander, I will never be lost. Thank you for today.

” When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, “Let it be.”

IMG_0962

Moments like these consistently happened for us, until truthfully we didn’t need to doubt. We knew that everything would always work out for us. This saying became the slogan of our trip.

Worrying, it became clear, was a lack of faith. I had to let go of that which I could not control. Doing my best, doing everything within my power to make things happen in my life is my greatest and only tool. I have to leave the rest to faith by believing that whatever is meant for us will come. As my good friend Shanon reminded me, ” if God feeds the birds, why would he not give you exactly what you need?”

Be your best self. Do all you can. And believe that the universe has you.

As moments like these quickly came to an end I felt a profound sadness. It was easy to believe when standing amidst wonders that make you gasp, but what about in the everyday journey? I wanted to believe but I couldn’t quite get there. I needed help to climb the last barrier of worry and doubt. Every day I watched the landscapes roll passed us and I looked out the window and at one point I cried. I just asked for help. I asked God and the universe to come to me and to help me have faith. To let go of what I could not control. I cried for all of the moments I had sacrificed and lost to doubt and fear. That night, I slept so soundly. I woke the next morning to the most beautiful views. We had the pleasure of eating breakfast in a sunroom surrounded by mountains, wild horses, and the Atlantic ocean and I knew then that I had accomplished what I had set out to do. I knew the answers. When I fear, I remind myself that I have faith. That I am strong enough to handle situations that come to me. From there, once I have done all that I can do, the universe will handle the rest. I have faith that all I need will come to me when it is meant to. All is well.

So, to say that this trip was a success would be an understatement. To be completely honest, it was far more powerful than I could have ever imagined. I went into the unknown with my fears but I had one goal in mind, to find my way back to myself. To rediscover my intuition and to once again hear clearly the voice inside me that will guide me to my higher self. Amidst the rolling mountains, plateaus, black sand beaches and waterfalls I found her. And now … sitting here on my living room floor in buzzing Los Angeles, California, I can still hear her loud and clear.

I wasn’t expecting that …


3 thoughts on “I Wasn’t Expecting That …

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